For the first time in a long time, I find myself crying. Not for self pity, or self centered needs, but for my cousin, Larry. I have never met anyone who was such and under dog. Larry has been through it all, whether by choice or by fate, as some would call it. I love Larry, and I always have. He is someone stripped of a normal life, and rejected by those who were to love him. People can always say they love you, but it doesn't mean anything until you show it. Larry is the kind of guy that can see right through you, and had seen so much, that his eyes have died, and left behind a trace of the person he used to be.
What problems you may ask? well, let's start with the endless list of abusers that have entered his life ranging from his own father, to his current deceased step father, of whom I was related who himself was a victim of abuse at the hands of a father who was relentlessly evil in nature. Everyone in my family fell short by Larry. We like to think that his outrageous actions have nothing to do with us. We like to think that asking God to forgive us was enough.
But I know its not enough when I see him in my doorway, and hes asking me advice on whether he should turn himself into the police or whether he should get himself baker-acted because the prison system will not take care of his mental disorders and HIV.
I believe in cause and effect since I met Larry. We were all the cause, and Larry was the effect. People feel like the past is the past, and that if someone like Larry isn't able to move on, then its a personal problem, but we are all responsible for the person he is today. I am guilty. His immediate family is guilty. His extended family?...guilty.
The difference between our problems, and Larry's problems are that Larry's problems have always been in the light...out in front of us..in our faces. We are held accountable for our actions, and therefore must take some SHAME in the person he has become.
I told him today, no matter what he decides to do, to make sure they didn't break his spirit. His reply hurt me so deeply, that all i could do was hug him really tight, and fight back the tears that wanted to burst from my eyes. He said in a very quiet and helpless voice..."It's too late for that." I have never hurt so badly in so long. I'm crying now because I know that pain. I know what it feels like to feel hopeless and like there is no sense in it all. It's so difficult to type this because I am sobbing.
Larry is dead inside, no one in my family feels they are responsible, so someone has to cry for Larry. I love him more than he will ever know, and have always loved him, no matter how people have tried to tear us apart, and make our bond less than care and concern.
I admit freely that I have not been the best person to him, but he always over looked it. he saw me for what i was, no matter how pathetic and ridiculous that may have been at that time. We had our dark days, and we had our fun adventures, and he is my friend, no matter what treachery and darkness someone else placed on either me or him.
Larry just wants to be loved. Yet he needs REAL, GENUINE love. He made up his mind along time ago that no one loved him, so why should he care?? But I know he does deep down inside. And everyday, it kills him just a little bit more. I wouldn't doubt that everyone in the family feels they would profit from his demise because they don't like him anyways, and they always made him feel unwelcome, no matter how they may have made many weak attempts to care. From his refusal to be brainwashed by the churches of the material world, to his stand for self Independence, Larry has been through it all. He has slept in garbage dumpsters, he has dated people who abused him, and hurt him, and made him feel like less of a man. He has a family that treats him like shit, and all he ever wanted in return was some love. And could we even give him that "unconditionally?"...NO.
NO! A word that is 50% of Larry's vocabulary, because he's heard it all his life. People can think whatever they want about me after they read this, but I have always loved Larry. I have always admired his iconic stand as the underdog. The REAL humanity in all of us! Weakness, fear, paranoia, survival, loneliness, misunderstanding, rebellion, and his insatiable need to create his OWN world, free from Judgement, free from persecution, other than God, who is the only person that should have the right to Judge him at all, and his unwavering ability to be as invincible as steel, and as long lifted as the cock roach. When the end of time comes, there will be Cher, cock roaches, and LARRY.
SO all you assholes out there who thought he was going down?? Well, WORRY about your perfect world, worry at night why you cant sleep that well, worry about the silence of living a normal moot life style. Because one day, we're all going to have to answer for Larry, and we will have no answer. We will hide comfortably under our blanket of self0-righteous pulpit banging , and comfort ourselves with the fact that we asked God to forgive us, but what about Larry? Did anyone forgive him? Did he forgive anyone? Forgiveness works 2 ways, and no matter how much we may have asked for that forgiveness, we will never feel completely cleansed of all that we have done, because we never made it right WITH Larry, only with ourselves, and that my friends, falls a little more short of the meaning of forgiveness.
I forgave myself along time ago for over looking Larry as a person, and I have already asked him for his forgiveness for anything I have done. I feel comforted that not only does he forgive me, but he still loves me, even though he is nearly drained of any love in his heart at all.
It's true.. Larry loves pot, Larry loves girls, Larry loves perverse, foul, nasty language. He loves sex, he loves rock n roll, he loves thinking about things that other people can't even figure out. Larry is intelligent, yet youthful in his follies. He's outspoken, and a hell raiser. he's tried many things from special schools to the military, but they were not entertaining enough for someone who was one step ahead of the world around him. he loves intellectual anonymity yet to find many who could give him a worthy debate of wisdom. Yet, with all his intellect, he is lost in a sea of uncertainty.
I love you, Larry. You always understood me whether it was my Dark side, or who I am today. Thank you for giving me so much of the love you don't have much more of. Thank you for not putting me in the category of others who have forgotten you, even though I fell just as short. And even if you never read this, I know somehow, someday, you will know it, if you don't already.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
The Things I left out....
I've been avoiding this for some time, but the time has caught up to me. For those of you who will not be really interested in what I have to say, you can feel free to go away now if you like or hang out here and listen to a guy ramble. A few months back, I sent my my space link to friends I knew. I felt a great little pride in creating something that was all my own, and wanted to share it with others. There was really one response that stood out more than others.
My friend Ralph emailed me back and said it was cool looking, but that he was worried about me. He said "there's isn't really anything about you on there." The my inner monologue said "Really?"..lol. I felt like he was right, but only half right. The things I have on this page are the things I like and the things that make me laugh or feel some emotion about something at some time or another, in my life. Maybe I should have revealed more to my friend about the kind of guy i am inside, but at the same time, I feel like he was right. There IS something missing from this page.
I am a man tormented by the demons of my past. I was at times a very flirtatious person; at other times a very damaged person. I can be a very fragile and very emotional person, but hold it in deep down inside so that in most cases, you would never know I was ready to spit on you or spray paint your car. I have Attention Deficit Disorder; a fact well documented, but hardly brought up. If I forget your birthday, believe me, it's not on purpose. I just have a disorder that makes me into an asshole.
A lot of times I can be lazy and I think for myself only when it benefits me in the privacy of my home, but out in public I have a funny side. I can be very generous and attentive. I often refer to myself as every one's personal shrink. I can feel very helpless, alone and self-destructive at the same time.
I am also ADHD. I have a tendency to be drawn to the more addictive side of life. I can be addicted to sex, or alcohol, but I can never see myself as a coke-head or a meth head or a heroine junkie because the thought of snorting ANYTHING up my nose has diverted me from that for years, and I am completely phobic about needles. Even smoking is out for me because I went through a few smoke inhalation moments in my life, and don't really fancy the idea of breathing in smoke, although there were times I had done it when i was feeling mischievous, just so i can say I lived a little. I usually tend to stick to the easy stuff, like sex, alcohol, or food. I label food, sex, and alcohol"The silent addictions."
My friend Ralph was never exposed to that very much for two reasons. 1. I never thought he was that interested because he's a very head strong, very serious kind of guy, and like us all, lives in his own world and views it a certain way. 2. We haven't really "hung out" together without our friends around for several years, so I don't expect him to know the real me completely, because like season's, people change a lot. He sees me and my family as the same ole people, but they're not. It's funny that when I hang out with him in the brief times we have together, I revert right back to being the same guy he knew before for him, and for me, which doesn't really help him see me for who I really am.
My family has changed. We have lost precious loved one's who played HUGE roles in our lives in the years that he and others knew us well. We have seen the worst of financial situations these past 5 years, and we have gotten closer as a unit. it's funny how people can remember you a certain way, but we all never realize just how different we really are after just a few years. As for my friend, I can only say this. I am sorry we have drifted apart for so long. You have your world, and I have mine. Hopefully, we will meet one day as Old friends, yet new people. For where I used to be sad and depressed, time has made me better, stronger, and more able to roll with the punches. I can only hope the same for my good friend in their lifetime.
My friend Ralph emailed me back and said it was cool looking, but that he was worried about me. He said "there's isn't really anything about you on there." The my inner monologue said "Really?"..lol. I felt like he was right, but only half right. The things I have on this page are the things I like and the things that make me laugh or feel some emotion about something at some time or another, in my life. Maybe I should have revealed more to my friend about the kind of guy i am inside, but at the same time, I feel like he was right. There IS something missing from this page.
I am a man tormented by the demons of my past. I was at times a very flirtatious person; at other times a very damaged person. I can be a very fragile and very emotional person, but hold it in deep down inside so that in most cases, you would never know I was ready to spit on you or spray paint your car. I have Attention Deficit Disorder; a fact well documented, but hardly brought up. If I forget your birthday, believe me, it's not on purpose. I just have a disorder that makes me into an asshole.
A lot of times I can be lazy and I think for myself only when it benefits me in the privacy of my home, but out in public I have a funny side. I can be very generous and attentive. I often refer to myself as every one's personal shrink. I can feel very helpless, alone and self-destructive at the same time.
I am also ADHD. I have a tendency to be drawn to the more addictive side of life. I can be addicted to sex, or alcohol, but I can never see myself as a coke-head or a meth head or a heroine junkie because the thought of snorting ANYTHING up my nose has diverted me from that for years, and I am completely phobic about needles. Even smoking is out for me because I went through a few smoke inhalation moments in my life, and don't really fancy the idea of breathing in smoke, although there were times I had done it when i was feeling mischievous, just so i can say I lived a little. I usually tend to stick to the easy stuff, like sex, alcohol, or food. I label food, sex, and alcohol"The silent addictions."
My friend Ralph was never exposed to that very much for two reasons. 1. I never thought he was that interested because he's a very head strong, very serious kind of guy, and like us all, lives in his own world and views it a certain way. 2. We haven't really "hung out" together without our friends around for several years, so I don't expect him to know the real me completely, because like season's, people change a lot. He sees me and my family as the same ole people, but they're not. It's funny that when I hang out with him in the brief times we have together, I revert right back to being the same guy he knew before for him, and for me, which doesn't really help him see me for who I really am.
My family has changed. We have lost precious loved one's who played HUGE roles in our lives in the years that he and others knew us well. We have seen the worst of financial situations these past 5 years, and we have gotten closer as a unit. it's funny how people can remember you a certain way, but we all never realize just how different we really are after just a few years. As for my friend, I can only say this. I am sorry we have drifted apart for so long. You have your world, and I have mine. Hopefully, we will meet one day as Old friends, yet new people. For where I used to be sad and depressed, time has made me better, stronger, and more able to roll with the punches. I can only hope the same for my good friend in their lifetime.
Sick world, get well soon
OK, this is a very OUTSPOKEN blog today, so if you dont like strong language and attitude, you may not want to read this one! ...lol. I am so f**king sick of shallow ass peoples and self-righteous people. Sometimes, I just get my fill...as much as I can handle...of people who are at the shallow end of the gene pool. It makes me feel bad too when I get so irritated at them, that it brings me down to their level to even have to waste my steam on them, and it also makes me feel bad that they're allowed to breed. Thank GOD that blogs can be some pretty good therapy. I am sick to death of people NOT taking responsibility for their actions, and pretending and believing that everything that happens to them is "by chance." Nothing happens by chance, nothing happens without our direct influence in it. Common mistakes and careless accidents are not included in the rant because everyone is capable of making mistakes. After all, we are all human. EVEN I am held accountable for everything that I have done and will do, so what the hell makes other people think they're so special that they should be put on a pedal stool? NO ONE is "ALL THAT."
People who whine and cry, piss and moan and pitch a fit until they get their way will never have any self respect and they will never understand love or the human race for that matter. Being jaded is a choice. Not getting it is a choice. We choose to become comfortably numb. We choose to ignore other people to get ahead and to step on the little guy. We choose to do whatever it takes to get what we want, regardless of if it hurts someone. It is not "The way you are." It is the way you have CHOSEN. Anyone can change. Anyone can choose to be the angel in someone's life, or they can choose to be the miserable a**hole that brings un-needed grief to everything someone does.
Now if you're intelligent, you know that I realize we all have our weak moments and our bad days, and we slip up, and do and say things that are not kosher or offend others, but the intelligent people also know that we as adults know that we have the responsibility to apologize for our actions IF they're wrong. SURE life throws some tomatoes and sometimes we go down for the count. What matters? NOT GIVING UP! Standing up! Making NOISE! Letting the world know you are HERE. you are ALIVE ..you are BREATHING. People always have that question inside of "What is the meaning of life?".. "Why am I here?".."What's the point to it all?" The point is that you're supposed to F**cking SURVIVE! that's the POINT!
You're not supposed to just give up like some whipped pussy and run for the nearest rock. People die, shit happens..and if you're reading this, Plenty of shit has probably happened to you, but you're obviously not DEAD, or you wouldn't be reading it. SO, either you KNOW the secret to life, and you live by the code of accept NO drama, or you're reading this and thinking I'm a real ***hole and that this blog "offends" you, and that might possibly be because you fit into one of the following categories: Jaded, overly prudent, self centered, uppity, self righteous, gold digging, a person who feels the need to debate and fight over everything if it does not suit them, overly insecure, over opinionated yet wrong, depressed and shouldn't be reading something like this until you're in a better frame of mind to make a balanced opinion, or a real king Kong MEGA BITCH....which if you are, this one's for you for SURE.
My rant is to the people out there that wear blindfolds on the road of life. If you get hit, its no wonder, and by wearing one, you are causing all the wrecks in your life and everyone elses. WAKE UP and take responsibility. Your jobs NOT going to save you. Your money is NOT going to save you. Your narcissism, materialism, and snobbishness is NOT GOING TO SAVE YOU. To a world that is ill with the disease of selfishness..GET WELL SOON! ~Rob
People who whine and cry, piss and moan and pitch a fit until they get their way will never have any self respect and they will never understand love or the human race for that matter. Being jaded is a choice. Not getting it is a choice. We choose to become comfortably numb. We choose to ignore other people to get ahead and to step on the little guy. We choose to do whatever it takes to get what we want, regardless of if it hurts someone. It is not "The way you are." It is the way you have CHOSEN. Anyone can change. Anyone can choose to be the angel in someone's life, or they can choose to be the miserable a**hole that brings un-needed grief to everything someone does.
Now if you're intelligent, you know that I realize we all have our weak moments and our bad days, and we slip up, and do and say things that are not kosher or offend others, but the intelligent people also know that we as adults know that we have the responsibility to apologize for our actions IF they're wrong. SURE life throws some tomatoes and sometimes we go down for the count. What matters? NOT GIVING UP! Standing up! Making NOISE! Letting the world know you are HERE. you are ALIVE ..you are BREATHING. People always have that question inside of "What is the meaning of life?".. "Why am I here?".."What's the point to it all?" The point is that you're supposed to F**cking SURVIVE! that's the POINT!
You're not supposed to just give up like some whipped pussy and run for the nearest rock. People die, shit happens..and if you're reading this, Plenty of shit has probably happened to you, but you're obviously not DEAD, or you wouldn't be reading it. SO, either you KNOW the secret to life, and you live by the code of accept NO drama, or you're reading this and thinking I'm a real ***hole and that this blog "offends" you, and that might possibly be because you fit into one of the following categories: Jaded, overly prudent, self centered, uppity, self righteous, gold digging, a person who feels the need to debate and fight over everything if it does not suit them, overly insecure, over opinionated yet wrong, depressed and shouldn't be reading something like this until you're in a better frame of mind to make a balanced opinion, or a real king Kong MEGA BITCH....which if you are, this one's for you for SURE.
My rant is to the people out there that wear blindfolds on the road of life. If you get hit, its no wonder, and by wearing one, you are causing all the wrecks in your life and everyone elses. WAKE UP and take responsibility. Your jobs NOT going to save you. Your money is NOT going to save you. Your narcissism, materialism, and snobbishness is NOT GOING TO SAVE YOU. To a world that is ill with the disease of selfishness..GET WELL SOON! ~Rob
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
the Cocoon...
First of all, I want to say to everyone reading ..HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
I am ever changing. I love this aspect of life. I woke up today feeling energized and provoked by all that is good and going on. I worked out, and I got online to check my mail, and send everyone a comment. I had some time alone here at home with no distractions. Sometimes, it's the little things that means a lot when you are struggling towards some level of normality.
I had a long talk with my friend in New York this week, and he reminded me of what was important again. He's my own personal Guru. He's the best! When others will only be self-interested, he's very observant and not afraid to express his opinion if you ask him for any kind of advice. Some people seem like they don't believe me, or they're not so interested in what I have to say, They feel like I don't really say much because i always talk about the same things with them, and that's really okay. The irony in that is that I only repeat myself because they choose not to go into in-depth details about their life, and they only really repeat the same thing too so why should I give them anymore then I am getting? In fact, there were times when I DID give more, and just got the same ole crap in return.
I feel like I have to go to every ones blog to see whats really going on in their lives, and sometimes, their words are even shrouded in mystery there, so who really knows what the hell is going on??? And I have been finding myself more and more, recently, and I feel like I am much more mentally healthy then I was just a year ago. its so easy to get caught up in the latest trends, the latest diet, the latest music and feel like if you don't have a grasp to it, you are being left behind..in fact, that is the view of most people who focus on that type of stuff. That is where my friend came in.
He really reminded me about materialism, and that no matter how much weight I lose, I could lose myself, and I would never be happy, even if I was the size of a twig! As long as I see life in a outer beauty view, I will never be happy. Being happy is whats on the inside. Its about how beautiful you are in there. Some days my insides look like FREDDY KRUGER!! He even told me how to change that. And that when someone gives me a complement, that not only am I insulting myself by having a negative rebuttal, I am rejecting their complements that they have giving freely to me, that they didn't have to waste their time with in the first place, so that's something I am working on as well.
Today is a WONDERFUL day! I feel much better! No, I'm not perfect, but no one really ever is, and the day they think they are is when they have become the master of fooling themselves! I'm glad I am growing and ever changing. I am in a cocoon, yet this butterfly will never hatch externally. It will hatch internally, spreading joy and positivity throughout my body, changing the way I think forever...and that's when people will see the butterfly. Its beauty will overtake me, and I will not become beautiful, but My LIFE instead, will be beautiful. I hope that this finds you, and makes you feel good about yourself too when you find some truth in it!
Thank you for reading and have a really incredible holiday! And those who don't celebrate thanksgiving?...well, I thank you anyways for reading my blog, and that in itself, is a thanksgiving!
Til next time! ~Rob
I am ever changing. I love this aspect of life. I woke up today feeling energized and provoked by all that is good and going on. I worked out, and I got online to check my mail, and send everyone a comment. I had some time alone here at home with no distractions. Sometimes, it's the little things that means a lot when you are struggling towards some level of normality.
I had a long talk with my friend in New York this week, and he reminded me of what was important again. He's my own personal Guru. He's the best! When others will only be self-interested, he's very observant and not afraid to express his opinion if you ask him for any kind of advice. Some people seem like they don't believe me, or they're not so interested in what I have to say, They feel like I don't really say much because i always talk about the same things with them, and that's really okay. The irony in that is that I only repeat myself because they choose not to go into in-depth details about their life, and they only really repeat the same thing too so why should I give them anymore then I am getting? In fact, there were times when I DID give more, and just got the same ole crap in return.
I feel like I have to go to every ones blog to see whats really going on in their lives, and sometimes, their words are even shrouded in mystery there, so who really knows what the hell is going on??? And I have been finding myself more and more, recently, and I feel like I am much more mentally healthy then I was just a year ago. its so easy to get caught up in the latest trends, the latest diet, the latest music and feel like if you don't have a grasp to it, you are being left behind..in fact, that is the view of most people who focus on that type of stuff. That is where my friend came in.
He really reminded me about materialism, and that no matter how much weight I lose, I could lose myself, and I would never be happy, even if I was the size of a twig! As long as I see life in a outer beauty view, I will never be happy. Being happy is whats on the inside. Its about how beautiful you are in there. Some days my insides look like FREDDY KRUGER!! He even told me how to change that. And that when someone gives me a complement, that not only am I insulting myself by having a negative rebuttal, I am rejecting their complements that they have giving freely to me, that they didn't have to waste their time with in the first place, so that's something I am working on as well.
Today is a WONDERFUL day! I feel much better! No, I'm not perfect, but no one really ever is, and the day they think they are is when they have become the master of fooling themselves! I'm glad I am growing and ever changing. I am in a cocoon, yet this butterfly will never hatch externally. It will hatch internally, spreading joy and positivity throughout my body, changing the way I think forever...and that's when people will see the butterfly. Its beauty will overtake me, and I will not become beautiful, but My LIFE instead, will be beautiful. I hope that this finds you, and makes you feel good about yourself too when you find some truth in it!
Thank you for reading and have a really incredible holiday! And those who don't celebrate thanksgiving?...well, I thank you anyways for reading my blog, and that in itself, is a thanksgiving!
Til next time! ~Rob
Thursday, November 15, 2007
My friend Mark
Mark Miller Rocks. He's my good friend. We have a lot of laughs about a great many things. Mark is crazy like me, and then some. Mark is an excellent musician. Mark reads my blogs, and tolerates my phone calls at some of the most inconvenient times for him. Mark is always kind enough to help someone truly in need, and always has something interesting to say... especially if you're listening close enough. he's a great song writier, a great story writer, and he can play just about anything. Mark is my friend. I am lucky.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Universal understanding of love.
Love is so simple.
We make it harder than it is. Everything is connected to love. Even the smallest deviation from the simple understanding of love can cause pain. Keeping our eye on the prize is a sure way to feel love. I have had many stuggles with my insecurities, my life, and the people that came and went through it. I used to feel so much attachment and regret to all the things that went wrong. It made me question myself, even though I knew God. many tears, many times I prayed alloud for God to take me because the pain for me was too much to digest. It drove me into a dark time, whjere I was outside...suspicious and alone. I was lost in mental anguish and self torment. I got over weight, gray before my time, and felt rejected by everything I knew. It effected me on such a massaive scale that I would spend hours alone, crying. believing it was my lot in life. That love will never find me.
It took a signifigant experiance to happen to me to open my eyes...in a BAR of all places..(showing Gods true sense of humanity)..that God sent me a messenger of the most unlikely kind. After that simple experiance, the answer came to me through the next few weeks. It changed the way I saw myself, the way i saw the universe, it changed me so dramatically with in 3 months, that i cant believe i was ever the person I was before. The answer to the question of what is universal love? How can we continue to be loved after all that we have commited and suffered in vain.
The bible is an age old text that offers many remedies to the soul, but sometimes, you need to hear it from a person for it to sink in. It's not that we dont have faith in God, its more so that we dont have faith in ourselves. Love understanding comes like an alighnment of the planets...It comes rarely, and when it does, you never forget it. I never believed before that sometime so simple could change the way i see love forever. he saw my pain, he saw that i had only one desire in my heart, to be loved to have love, to give love, but I was crippled by time, and unable to see clearly anymore. It was his gift to me.
He promised me nothing in that moment, but gave me everything. I dont know why I am writing about this, all I can say this. I am delivering a message. I dont know what part of it is the answer for you, or even if there was a question, all i know is I was compelled to come here and comment. Some people, no matter how twisted and human we are...know the answer more than others. I hold no affiliation with any church. I hold no title as a Christian, other than child of God, nor do i desire any of these things. The understanding is not my own. All I know, is whether I am single, or whether I am in a relationship, I have found peace. peace so to the point I feel NO NEED to chase someone. No need to have a lover delivered to me. if I have a special person, I don't know, nor do i care, because I have been giving a gift, and it is more valuable than any relationship I can attain on this planet. I wish I could share it with you. I come to you as a kindred spirit and I want to comfort you with the knowledge that if there is someone out there, you need look no further than ur house and neighborhood. You have already found many of them. They are all around you. Friends, family, eveyone. regardless of race, religion, orientation, intelligence...they are around you. To hold the smallest grain of resistance to love is to misunderstand it completely. We cannot serve two masters, yet we cannot split love down the middle as if we were throwing out the parts we dont like to suit the Guardians of the older generation. We must water our spiritual garden with ever growing and expanding wisdom, and the awesome part of that is that wisdom, like us, grows and expands, so the more we learn the more there will always be to learn. This is good in the sense that if we want to, we never have to feel old because there will always be room for being a student of the cosmos! xoxo
We make it harder than it is. Everything is connected to love. Even the smallest deviation from the simple understanding of love can cause pain. Keeping our eye on the prize is a sure way to feel love. I have had many stuggles with my insecurities, my life, and the people that came and went through it. I used to feel so much attachment and regret to all the things that went wrong. It made me question myself, even though I knew God. many tears, many times I prayed alloud for God to take me because the pain for me was too much to digest. It drove me into a dark time, whjere I was outside...suspicious and alone. I was lost in mental anguish and self torment. I got over weight, gray before my time, and felt rejected by everything I knew. It effected me on such a massaive scale that I would spend hours alone, crying. believing it was my lot in life. That love will never find me.
It took a signifigant experiance to happen to me to open my eyes...in a BAR of all places..(showing Gods true sense of humanity)..that God sent me a messenger of the most unlikely kind. After that simple experiance, the answer came to me through the next few weeks. It changed the way I saw myself, the way i saw the universe, it changed me so dramatically with in 3 months, that i cant believe i was ever the person I was before. The answer to the question of what is universal love? How can we continue to be loved after all that we have commited and suffered in vain.
The bible is an age old text that offers many remedies to the soul, but sometimes, you need to hear it from a person for it to sink in. It's not that we dont have faith in God, its more so that we dont have faith in ourselves. Love understanding comes like an alighnment of the planets...It comes rarely, and when it does, you never forget it. I never believed before that sometime so simple could change the way i see love forever. he saw my pain, he saw that i had only one desire in my heart, to be loved to have love, to give love, but I was crippled by time, and unable to see clearly anymore. It was his gift to me.
He promised me nothing in that moment, but gave me everything. I dont know why I am writing about this, all I can say this. I am delivering a message. I dont know what part of it is the answer for you, or even if there was a question, all i know is I was compelled to come here and comment. Some people, no matter how twisted and human we are...know the answer more than others. I hold no affiliation with any church. I hold no title as a Christian, other than child of God, nor do i desire any of these things. The understanding is not my own. All I know, is whether I am single, or whether I am in a relationship, I have found peace. peace so to the point I feel NO NEED to chase someone. No need to have a lover delivered to me. if I have a special person, I don't know, nor do i care, because I have been giving a gift, and it is more valuable than any relationship I can attain on this planet. I wish I could share it with you. I come to you as a kindred spirit and I want to comfort you with the knowledge that if there is someone out there, you need look no further than ur house and neighborhood. You have already found many of them. They are all around you. Friends, family, eveyone. regardless of race, religion, orientation, intelligence...they are around you. To hold the smallest grain of resistance to love is to misunderstand it completely. We cannot serve two masters, yet we cannot split love down the middle as if we were throwing out the parts we dont like to suit the Guardians of the older generation. We must water our spiritual garden with ever growing and expanding wisdom, and the awesome part of that is that wisdom, like us, grows and expands, so the more we learn the more there will always be to learn. This is good in the sense that if we want to, we never have to feel old because there will always be room for being a student of the cosmos! xoxo
Monday, November 12, 2007
There are things you should never tell your Boyfriend
HORSE SHIT! ....not unless you're just fucking them because you're shallow as hell! If you love someone. They are your COMPANION. They are your BEST FRIEND above ALL others. They tell you secrets they would never tell their friends. People have this belief that friends are the most important thing in your life, but there is a BIG ASS DIFFERENCE between Fellowship, and having a leach attached to your ass telling you how you should run your life with your spouse. Or someone trying to weasel their way in between two people so that they can benefit from their own plots and schemes to come between two people who care for each other. I believe someone who would make a statement like There are things you don't tell your bf are devious, shallow, materialistic and not worth the time you put into caring about them. If someone hands you some shit like this..beat their ass philosophically and make them look like chump ass bitches. The first rule of REAL LOVE is TRUST. If you can't trust the person you're having sex with. (exchanging germs)..then you are basically FUCKED...in every since of the word. People accept this comfortable attitude today of "There are things you never tell your boyfriend". This shit is for the birds. This is one reason why divorce rates are the highest ever among reasons why people separate, next to "differences". If you can't trust the person you are sharing your life with, then YOU ARE DATING THE WRONG PERSON!
MY FIRST BLOG!!
Well, since This is my first blog, I will tell a lil about myself! So, here we go!..lol. Hi! I am Robert. CHEERS! It feels good to be back to sanity...whatever that is. I have finally reached a point where I have peace and comfort with who I am, no matter how much that tends to resemble someone on drugs....lol. I am very gregarious in nature, as I tend to find things in others that I see in myself, yet wonder why and how they got in me and if its easy to have them surgically removed. I also try to see the world through each individuals eyes to understand what they are seeing of themselves. I love to have fun and hang out and party with my peers, who are a loving group of individuals that sometimes seem like they are. I am friendly but I do have my pressure points, just pick, squeeze, and I will whistle like a chew toy. When i think of myself, I think of a survivor..someone who has rough edges from the bite of life, the kick in the butt from reality, and is still not bitter about it. I am not a flammer, and I have nothing against flammers. I am not a saint, but I am not a evil person. I am as predictable as the wind, and just as easy to understand. I am not obsessed with the latest trends or with the 50% discount at McDooglez. A good shower and a comb go along way. I have a weird sense of humor, and I dont mind using it at gun fights. If you mind, I dont want to know about it, because I am too busy trying to have fun! If you are stuck in the clouds, I will pull you out, and say "Hey, how did you get up there?"...if you are in the darkness I will take ur hand and and stitch it back on, but if ur bringing stormy weather my way then, keep those clouds rolling by because i like yogurt. People come and go, but DiAmOnDs ArE 4 EvEr!..cheesy huh? I am currently playing in a rock band locally, and we have pretty good music, if you like the beatles, and music like that! the site is: www.myspace.com/civilizednatives4ever and then theres my personal page if you want to see it: www.myspace.com/gimneye and last but not least, my SAVE THE EARTH PAGE called: Green Planet at: www.myspace.com/greenplanet4ever Hope you enjoy viewing them, and if you have a page on myspace, dont feel afraid to drop by, add me up, and lets chat! XOXO to all my new friends who will read this! Leave me some love and i'll do the same! ~Rob
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