For the first time in a long time, I find myself crying. Not for self pity, or self centered needs, but for my cousin, Larry. I have never met anyone who was such and under dog. Larry has been through it all, whether by choice or by fate, as some would call it. I love Larry, and I always have. He is someone stripped of a normal life, and rejected by those who were to love him. People can always say they love you, but it doesn't mean anything until you show it. Larry is the kind of guy that can see right through you, and had seen so much, that his eyes have died, and left behind a trace of the person he used to be.
What problems you may ask? well, let's start with the endless list of abusers that have entered his life ranging from his own father, to his current deceased step father, of whom I was related who himself was a victim of abuse at the hands of a father who was relentlessly evil in nature. Everyone in my family fell short by Larry. We like to think that his outrageous actions have nothing to do with us. We like to think that asking God to forgive us was enough.
But I know its not enough when I see him in my doorway, and hes asking me advice on whether he should turn himself into the police or whether he should get himself baker-acted because the prison system will not take care of his mental disorders and HIV.
I believe in cause and effect since I met Larry. We were all the cause, and Larry was the effect. People feel like the past is the past, and that if someone like Larry isn't able to move on, then its a personal problem, but we are all responsible for the person he is today. I am guilty. His immediate family is guilty. His extended family?...guilty.
The difference between our problems, and Larry's problems are that Larry's problems have always been in the light...out in front of us..in our faces. We are held accountable for our actions, and therefore must take some SHAME in the person he has become.
I told him today, no matter what he decides to do, to make sure they didn't break his spirit. His reply hurt me so deeply, that all i could do was hug him really tight, and fight back the tears that wanted to burst from my eyes. He said in a very quiet and helpless voice..."It's too late for that." I have never hurt so badly in so long. I'm crying now because I know that pain. I know what it feels like to feel hopeless and like there is no sense in it all. It's so difficult to type this because I am sobbing.
Larry is dead inside, no one in my family feels they are responsible, so someone has to cry for Larry. I love him more than he will ever know, and have always loved him, no matter how people have tried to tear us apart, and make our bond less than care and concern.
I admit freely that I have not been the best person to him, but he always over looked it. he saw me for what i was, no matter how pathetic and ridiculous that may have been at that time. We had our dark days, and we had our fun adventures, and he is my friend, no matter what treachery and darkness someone else placed on either me or him.
Larry just wants to be loved. Yet he needs REAL, GENUINE love. He made up his mind along time ago that no one loved him, so why should he care?? But I know he does deep down inside. And everyday, it kills him just a little bit more. I wouldn't doubt that everyone in the family feels they would profit from his demise because they don't like him anyways, and they always made him feel unwelcome, no matter how they may have made many weak attempts to care. From his refusal to be brainwashed by the churches of the material world, to his stand for self Independence, Larry has been through it all. He has slept in garbage dumpsters, he has dated people who abused him, and hurt him, and made him feel like less of a man. He has a family that treats him like shit, and all he ever wanted in return was some love. And could we even give him that "unconditionally?"...NO.
NO! A word that is 50% of Larry's vocabulary, because he's heard it all his life. People can think whatever they want about me after they read this, but I have always loved Larry. I have always admired his iconic stand as the underdog. The REAL humanity in all of us! Weakness, fear, paranoia, survival, loneliness, misunderstanding, rebellion, and his insatiable need to create his OWN world, free from Judgement, free from persecution, other than God, who is the only person that should have the right to Judge him at all, and his unwavering ability to be as invincible as steel, and as long lifted as the cock roach. When the end of time comes, there will be Cher, cock roaches, and LARRY.
SO all you assholes out there who thought he was going down?? Well, WORRY about your perfect world, worry at night why you cant sleep that well, worry about the silence of living a normal moot life style. Because one day, we're all going to have to answer for Larry, and we will have no answer. We will hide comfortably under our blanket of self0-righteous pulpit banging , and comfort ourselves with the fact that we asked God to forgive us, but what about Larry? Did anyone forgive him? Did he forgive anyone? Forgiveness works 2 ways, and no matter how much we may have asked for that forgiveness, we will never feel completely cleansed of all that we have done, because we never made it right WITH Larry, only with ourselves, and that my friends, falls a little more short of the meaning of forgiveness.
I forgave myself along time ago for over looking Larry as a person, and I have already asked him for his forgiveness for anything I have done. I feel comforted that not only does he forgive me, but he still loves me, even though he is nearly drained of any love in his heart at all.
It's true.. Larry loves pot, Larry loves girls, Larry loves perverse, foul, nasty language. He loves sex, he loves rock n roll, he loves thinking about things that other people can't even figure out. Larry is intelligent, yet youthful in his follies. He's outspoken, and a hell raiser. he's tried many things from special schools to the military, but they were not entertaining enough for someone who was one step ahead of the world around him. he loves intellectual anonymity yet to find many who could give him a worthy debate of wisdom. Yet, with all his intellect, he is lost in a sea of uncertainty.
I love you, Larry. You always understood me whether it was my Dark side, or who I am today. Thank you for giving me so much of the love you don't have much more of. Thank you for not putting me in the category of others who have forgotten you, even though I fell just as short. And even if you never read this, I know somehow, someday, you will know it, if you don't already.
