**I sent this email to a friend who emailed me, attempting to communicate. This is what I sent back. i hope you enjoy the message, and that you see some truth in it for yourselves. MERRY CHRISTMAS!***
You Know ....
I had some harsh thoughts about you before. I'm sure you've had some about me. Something I have learned over time, is that we hold ourselves back from so many things that we love. There was a time when I looked to you for advice and guidance, and you always had the best things to say. it isn't in the mistakes we've made with one another, it's about that fact that we were privileged enough to have experienced them as two friends. Isn't it interesting that with time, we all realize that no one person is more lost or more found, we are all just part of this race. A race to get to no where fast. It doesn't mean that everything we do in life is all for not, it just means that we don't really see the bigger picture until we really do stop and smell the roses.
There was a time when I felt like you left me behind and that you didn't really care about me anymore. In the time since, I have come to understand what growth is, and what change is. I see myself where I am, and always expected others to like and accept me for it, never realizing that the real problem was I didn't accept MYSELF, and that it didn't make a fuck really what others thought, just that if I ever could form a logical thought in my head, people would be more impressed....OR maybe not, regardless, I would at least have had an identity.
I was a leech. A one man pity party. I was someone that was so busy feeling sorry for myself, that I couldn't see what I had right in front of me. having said that, being in the band this time has changed my perspective of the world. My band mates are my best friends. Mark and I sit outside my house and talk for hours about people, life, and all the fucked up things we've done to ourselves and to others, and we really listen. My friend Michael and i have breathed life into a friendship that never was, into one that has become. We have great moments of synchronicity and clarity. We all really care to listen and be heard. I've come to realize that all I ever really wanted was love, and acceptance. I got the love from home, but it was more like ..you be this and I'll love you, otherwise, you're just a bad ass little fucker that needs a good beating.
You saved me from a lot of moments in my life when i was at the threshold of insanity. Who knows what kind of a fucking psycho serial killer I could have ended up being had it not been for my draw of occasional logic from you. All that being said, I still fuck up. I am still too fucking fat to be eating at barnhills..lol. But I have come a long way. I'm no longer self deprecating and delusional. I no longer need or require someone's approval, and I love everyone's acceptance. When people use the mind control BS I just look at them now, and shake my head, because I know that they just don't get it, so why should I waste my time? But educating my soul, and filling my heart back up with my OWN inner peace, my Own inner acceptance and joy have become a great part of who I am now, and since I have accepted it, I find myself reaching out to people more and more, and being genuine when it calls for it, and just going with the flow when they're talking out of their asses, or trying to run away and hide from love and themselves.
I'm not that boy you left behind so long ago. I have no ego that's big enough to bruise. I no longer fear being alone or dying. I don't NEED people, but you know, it sure as shit is good to have them in my life...more like a blessing. I know all this babbling may come as a surprise for you, because when was the last time I said anything with meaning that really caught your eye, or at least made you interested enough to keep reading? My point really is just to let you know I am GLAD you got away from ANYTHING that is causing Chaos. There's already too much confusion. You have worried a long time about if what you were doing was "the right thing" because it was hard for you to get the people in your life to be interested enough to make a "sound" and "non-personal" observation.
You've moved and sought other destinations because you were really only looking for change. Change is different for everyone, and one formula may work for one person, and not for the other one. The point is that change is the constant. Bob Dylan said.."He not busy being born, is busy dying." Being born is obviously change. I am always happy to see that you have renewed your life and that you have changed your surroundings, and to see that you have made such strides in your life to better yourself. You were always the strongest one, and no one will ever be able to take that from you.
I am just glad that you are taking care of yourself, and your love have finally come to a threshold of knowing the value of a real relationship and what it is all really about. No one is perfect, but we serve a perfect God, and we have a perfect love. Love is patient, love is kind. love is not envious or proud. It isn't rude and self seeking. Love is not easily provoked and has no evil intentions. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in TRUTH. Love protects, trusts, Love stands the test of time.... Love never fails.
I love you. I hope that time has forgotten our regrets, faults, inadequacies, idiosyncrasies, misfortunes, misconducts, and miscommunications. I hope to see you too, and I hope that we see each other differently, no matter what our sack of flesh says, no matter what time can throw at us. No matter what may come our way, that we as friends, will continue to stand the test of time. Be good to yourself; be good to your lover.
And I'll see you soon.
~Robert
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