..:GIMNEYE:..

Dont ask, dont tell, Dont work...

2010-09-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

There was a recent wave of crap rolling onto shore about gays in the military, and how they are not honoring the men and woman who serve, protect and die for our country as homosexuals. It's sad that commanding personel have the right to snoop through a soldiers emails, letters, and blogs to see if they are gayonce they have profiled a soldier either through rumor or through suspicion.. using sych a simplistic reason to throw them out of the service that they chose to join to defend our country!

You mean we dont have enuf 2do2 get that goofy sand turd still running around threatening our country, illegals pooring into our borders(and my only stance against that is the lack of respect to those who did all the paperwork, and worked their asses off to get into this country legally) pollution, big tobacco, militias in our own country that are anti-american, gang influence, cartel influence, oil giants dumping their loads, and politicians having a pissing contest.

We do not need to be living in 2010!!!.... the 21 century!!! with point blank discrimination! WHO CARES who a soldier loves, if they're doing their DUTY, and SERVING our COUNTRY! If you feel the way I feel, get intouch with the folks who control these laws, and let the voice of the NEW GENERATION be HEARD!! ..because as far as it stands right now.. the NEW GENERATION ...has only been a faint whisper.

Hello World! I know Ive been away...

2010-09-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

But Never for too long. I havent spoken about it here yet, so I will. I was hospitalized in Feb 2010, in a coma for 21 days, rehab for 30 days, and woke up feeling like a million bux! God and everyones prayers really gave me something special, and a new outlook on life! While for even me everyday is a continual battle to keep from repeating the loop I was in before.

I have gained new perspective, new friends, figured out who my real one were, and feel like I am on a personal crusade to be there for others, comfort and talk with friends in need. All my problems have been solved through the gift of perspective that god again has granted me with.

I value those special people in my life such as Mark, Michael, Bradley, and a few others who are still trying to show their truest colors. I still value the other ones, but I really feel like some people are like trees, eventually no matter how much you grow, you tend to grow in different directions, so I and letting those boats sail silently through my life and into any direction that they wish for the winds to carry them.

I've suffered a few setbacks in my health since I recovered, minor things such as a nasty viral cold of some kind that the whole universe seems to have gotten from one another, and just this week, discovered that I have STAPH.. the fun never ends, lol. But I am in good spirits, Good faith, in the company of good friends, and even on occasion partaking in some GOOD eats! hehehe.

If ANYONE EVER reads this, you can check me out nowadays at:

www.myspace.com/gimneye4ever

Im on twitter and facebook, but if you wana know me beyond that, you're just gonna have to email me at:

xxgimneyexx@aol.com ...lol

Well, hope that you all have had a safe year, and its almost over as another bares down upon us...lol.

Much love to you all, and will return shortly!

CUDDLES

GimNeye

OMG!..BARACK OBAMA is MY Baby Daddy!

2009-05-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

This morning President Obama Addresses the GITMO with the American people with the Unites States Constitution, Declaration of Independance, and Bill of Rights standing in the backgorund. He stood up for them in addressing his unbending faith in the due process of detainees that have been drifting in legal limbo for years since the 9/11 poop fest by the former administration. He addressed secrecy, propaganda, fear made decisions, fear induced policy, fear injection speeches, abuse, the lack of due process, the price we will pay socially with the world by keeping this place open and how NONE of it will solve our problems as a nation.

He basically said that this country, this president, this administration was NOT above the law. No, those were not his exact words, but you get the jist. He had the SAME opinion that John Stewart addressed on the Daily Show where he addressed the idea that we have room for serial killer, mass murderers, but we dont have room for these terrorists?? Obama said that NO ONE has EVER successfully escaped one of our super max prisons, those who have no reason to be detained after being investigated will be released but that NO ONE who will cause a threat to our national security will be released. Some will be tried in our traditional court system for crimes of terrorism, others wil be tried by the military courts in regards to acts of war against our nation. With all that, he basically said that this was the way the justice system was supposed to work.

While I was sitting on my bed, moistening it with fantasies of the freedom that was founded by the fathers of this nation, I smiled and thought to myself... This was the same confusing things I was pondering when every freedom we had was going down the tubes because of the former Admin. Even the thought that we have spirraled out of contrl away from justice crossed my worried mind several times. Then the fact that he addressed the same thoughts, the same values I had not only made me feel less like a nut job with some crazy old ideals, but it made me feel secure that the commander and chief held the same principles I hold, this good nation holds, and in an instant, I thought..."OMG! .. Barack Obama is my babys Daddy!"

This man can speak his way out of anything, or into it! Maybe my zeal is soring too high above the clouds but his speech was sooo satisfying, that i didn't wait for shitty Mcgee - Cheneys big counter speech. Yes, that ass clown actually scheduled a COUNTER speech. The man should have enough remaining dignity to cup his balls, and run for the hills yelping! All I have to say to this man is that there is a big difference between leadership, and ones OWN reality! Get a new job dude, you sucked in your last one!

RANDOM POINTLESS UPDATE!

2009-05-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

OK.. I do NOT have CHF! I do NOT have ASTHMA..(so they say).. I had pneumonia that lingered for months because the capacity of my LARGE lungs allowed it to go undetectible for MONTHS before i got extremely ill! I am almost over the pneumonia, and Still trying to determine WHY my oxygen will not go back up above 89% and STAY THERE! Wish me luck! THANKS!!

The Penalty of the Truth

2009-01-24T20:00:00.000-08:00

I am an alcoholic.

I am a compulsive eater, and have worked hard to contain both of those.

I think i am a undiagnosed Bio-polar freak.

I have problems with Authority...I question it A LOT!

I suffer from anxiety and depression, as well as hyper-tension.

I am totally aware and capable to TRY, and totally aware of my constant failure to do so.

My room is a mess.

I am a recovering sexual compulsive.

I think the world revovles around music, food, and hot people.

I believe that Earth was a Eutopian experiment created and re-created by God, that we were ultimately meant to enjoy the fruits of, but instead we have mired down those thoughts with money, power, mateials, and jobs. I HATE WORK, who doesnt?.. Unless it's the kind where you are actually HELPING SOMEONE or doing something CONSTRUCTIVE besides pushing a pencil, or punching a clock. The only way I would love to punch clocks are with my bloody fist!

I hate going into a restraunt, ordering a drink, only to find out they have totally changed their menu, and everything on it sucks. Yes, i leave, but its the principle of it all...lol.

I hate it when people are taking a crap in your bathroom, and they want to leave the door open.. as if you want to smell or hear it.

I never understood the obsession over the macarena.

I have aggressive homeless bunch a crack addicts (YES REALLY CRACK ADDICTS) that live up by my local store. They like to run up to your car from across the street so they can catch and confront you for change after you come out of the store, so I in my mean way, anticipate this move, and I run to the car, jump in, and get them to take off, before they can get to the car, and i laugh at them while theyre banging on the glass as if it were some sick twisted race...Aren't I aweful?

I hate when people smoke, know I can't breathe well, and blow it intensionally in my face. Do I want to harm them? No, but I have often thought that hell for them will be a white room with no windows, doors, and nothing but bleach, raw veggies, air filters, smoke free, drink and drug free, and full of other smokers who keep asking them in vane for some nicotine gum.

Male sexual enhancement drugs... WHY??

I thought BOTH Bush's sucked, and i hope i never see another one.

i tend to blirt out things right at the same moment some poor soul has the floor, not realizing what a dick head they must think I am.

I live in a dream world only half the time, the other half is spent doing music, crafts, and raman noodles.

I HATE PNEUMONIA! ..It just wont get the fucking worn out welcome clue!

I have shaved my testicles before... it was a cool breeze moment followed by weeks of irritation.

I have made the mistake of masterbating with Muscle rub too...JUST LIKE YOU GUYS.

I am OVER the doctors definition of OBEASE, no one can help me, no one seems to want to try to, and I cant help myself, because I dont have any inspiration other than infomercials.

I hate corporations but cant resist fucking Star Bucks coffee...what is that??

I think there's a difference between: "I am GAY", and "Hey man, what the fuck is your problem?..I don't even know girls who act that feminine!"

I believe that if anyone is STILL a die hard racist must be kinda retarded or had lead in their drinking water...( I would like to apologize for the use of the word retarded, obviously there is lead in MY water.)

QUIT CHOPPING DOWN AAAALLL OF THE FUCKING FORRESTS UNLESS YOU ARE REPLANTING!...YOU JACK ASSES!!

If you are going out to dinner at a big public restraunt, leave anyone under the age of 7 WITH A BABY SITTER, in the CAR, LOCKED in a BASEMENT...whatever you gotta do!... FOR REAL! NO ONE likes to hear your kids cry, an no one thinks it's cute, unless they are really as much of an asshole as you are for bringing them.

I look at porn.

If I have to fart, I am not going to hold it in and give myself cramps for ANYONE!

The thought of ever getting another telesales, or any other kind of office job where someone is defined either by the piece of paper on their wall, or by the new hairstyle and how much attitude they can get away with throwing at you, as if you were one of their kids, just makes me want to crawl back into the vagina...and I am gay.

People that dont use their turn signals or that ALWAYS get RIGHT UP TO THE ROAD, and make a sudden sharp turn equally without their turn sugnals need to be fined $7,000 dollars, raped in the ass by bubba, and made to do 5 years on community service.

My #1 Rule is that I will never hate a person, i will just really hate how retarded they are. (Sorry again about the Re-Re word!)

People that piss in a community pool and get caught, should be made to drink it with dinner every night.

People that come over when they know they have the flu or some nasty ass illness that I dont have yet, knowing that I have a crappy immune system should have a sworm of hornets released on them.

Every idiot that adds shit to the bible that ISNT in there already should be.... well, I'll leave that up to the other Judge.

I am often times a sweetheart in public and a real jerk in my thoughts.

People that argue someone elses religion with them should be flogged to equate the amount of disrespect theyre showing their neighbor....unless you're a scientologist which is just the end on the spectrum of.."What?"

I have my selfish moments, but they'll never result in natural disasters, wars, pageant losses,
intentionally hurt feelings, false senses of reality, perminant assholeiness, self loathing, or battered wife syndrome.

I cant think of anything else that makes me a target, but give me some time, Im sure I'll cook something up that someone doesnt like...lol.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! ..A Message!

2008-12-18T01:20:00.000-08:00

**I sent this email to a friend who emailed me, attempting to communicate. This is what I sent back. i hope you enjoy the message, and that you see some truth in it for yourselves. MERRY CHRISTMAS!***

You Know ....

I had some harsh thoughts about you before. I'm sure you've had some about me. Something I have learned over time, is that we hold ourselves back from so many things that we love. There was a time when I looked to you for advice and guidance, and you always had the best things to say. it isn't in the mistakes we've made with one another, it's about that fact that we were privileged enough to have experienced them as two friends. Isn't it interesting that with time, we all realize that no one person is more lost or more found, we are all just part of this race. A race to get to no where fast. It doesn't mean that everything we do in life is all for not, it just means that we don't really see the bigger picture until we really do stop and smell the roses.

There was a time when I felt like you left me behind and that you didn't really care about me anymore. In the time since, I have come to understand what growth is, and what change is. I see myself where I am, and always expected others to like and accept me for it, never realizing that the real problem was I didn't accept MYSELF, and that it didn't make a fuck really what others thought, just that if I ever could form a logical thought in my head, people would be more impressed....OR maybe not, regardless, I would at least have had an identity.

I was a leech. A one man pity party. I was someone that was so busy feeling sorry for myself, that I couldn't see what I had right in front of me. having said that, being in the band this time has changed my perspective of the world. My band mates are my best friends. Mark and I sit outside my house and talk for hours about people, life, and all the fucked up things we've done to ourselves and to others, and we really listen. My friend Michael and i have breathed life into a friendship that never was, into one that has become. We have great moments of synchronicity and clarity. We all really care to listen and be heard. I've come to realize that all I ever really wanted was love, and acceptance. I got the love from home, but it was more like ..you be this and I'll love you, otherwise, you're just a bad ass little fucker that needs a good beating.

You saved me from a lot of moments in my life when i was at the threshold of insanity. Who knows what kind of a fucking psycho serial killer I could have ended up being had it not been for my draw of occasional logic from you. All that being said, I still fuck up. I am still too fucking fat to be eating at barnhills..lol. But I have come a long way. I'm no longer self deprecating and delusional. I no longer need or require someone's approval, and I love everyone's acceptance. When people use the mind control BS I just look at them now, and shake my head, because I know that they just don't get it, so why should I waste my time? But educating my soul, and filling my heart back up with my OWN inner peace, my Own inner acceptance and joy have become a great part of who I am now, and since I have accepted it, I find myself reaching out to people more and more, and being genuine when it calls for it, and just going with the flow when they're talking out of their asses, or trying to run away and hide from love and themselves.

I'm not that boy you left behind so long ago. I have no ego that's big enough to bruise. I no longer fear being alone or dying. I don't NEED people, but you know, it sure as shit is good to have them in my life...more like a blessing. I know all this babbling may come as a surprise for you, because when was the last time I said anything with meaning that really caught your eye, or at least made you interested enough to keep reading? My point really is just to let you know I am GLAD you got away from ANYTHING that is causing Chaos. There's already too much confusion. You have worried a long time about if what you were doing was "the right thing" because it was hard for you to get the people in your life to be interested enough to make a "sound" and "non-personal" observation.

You've moved and sought other destinations because you were really only looking for change. Change is different for everyone, and one formula may work for one person, and not for the other one. The point is that change is the constant. Bob Dylan said.."He not busy being born, is busy dying." Being born is obviously change. I am always happy to see that you have renewed your life and that you have changed your surroundings, and to see that you have made such strides in your life to better yourself. You were always the strongest one, and no one will ever be able to take that from you.

I am just glad that you are taking care of yourself, and your love have finally come to a threshold of knowing the value of a real relationship and what it is all really about. No one is perfect, but we serve a perfect God, and we have a perfect love. Love is patient, love is kind. love is not envious or proud. It isn't rude and self seeking. Love is not easily provoked and has no evil intentions. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in TRUTH. Love protects, trusts, Love stands the test of time.... Love never fails.

I love you. I hope that time has forgotten our regrets, faults, inadequacies, idiosyncrasies, misfortunes, misconducts, and miscommunications. I hope to see you too, and I hope that we see each other differently, no matter what our sack of flesh says, no matter what time can throw at us. No matter what may come our way, that we as friends, will continue to stand the test of time. Be good to yourself; be good to your lover.

And I'll see you soon.

~Robert

Running away to some place insane.

2008-11-27T03:57:00.000-08:00

A friend told me they were moving away to Asia because they wanted to work as a volunteer helping others in need, while the prospect sounds self - improving he added.. "And I want to go there and forget who I am, and leave everything behind. I want to get away because I think I am slipping into insanity, because I dont want to be materialistic, yet I need money to survive, and I just want to get away from all of this." Maybe everyone will understand where I am going with this, but this is my take on that way of thinking.

"You know we can't simply wave away the pain with a magic wand. The things that we carry with us are the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves." ~ James Kirk

To simply throw it all away is to erase ourselves from life. I dont see anything about us that needs erasing...even though I have never met many of you. Money is a neccesary evil. IF you have found means to survive without it, then perhaps it is the clensing you need since you know yourself better than I. ...and If going to Asia makes you happy, and helping others is suffient for your soul than so be it, but to say you dont want to be who you are is an impossbile feet that no man can change, and it will surely wheel him to the empty parking lot of life.

Even in the darkest, most quiet night, the mind speaks to us, and reminds us of where we have been, and who we are. If you are indeed starting a new life, unlearn what you have learned, but keep those lessons u have learned in your heart for they will not make you bitter, but will be handy in a moment when life is giving you difficult circumstances.

We all have much in common. It is sad when someone tells you that they are willing to void all of those parallels. I see in us all, the treasure that we long to attain, and one day... When all of my friends are tired of chasing the dragon, I will be here, ever ready to embrace you with my mind and heart, friend.

"Insanity is just the mind freeing itself, but then over indulging in it's rewards." ~Robert Hammac

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! and MUCH LOVE..

Robert

Asthma! Since it's in my life, here we go!

2008-11-24T21:09:00.000-08:00

Learned a little about myself here! Please read this! thanks.

According to the Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America, on any given day 40,000 people miss school or work due to asthma -- a condition involving the respiratory system that occasionally constricts and inflames airwaves. The good news? People can help prevent an asthma attack by anticipating triggers and paying attention to which triggers, even the most unusual ones, create the most severe flares.

Eggs, fish and soy products -- oh my! Although specific healthy foods are certainly good for us, for allergy sufferers they may also create an asthmatic trigger. Dr. Rosenstreich explains, "Once you ingest them, they cause a release of chemicals on your airwaves that make it worse. This triggers the cells that cause asthma."
According to Keith Berndtson, M.D., founder/medical director of Park Ridge MultiMed, an integrative medicine practice near Chicago, traffic pollutants can trigger asthma attacks. "CARS, TRUCKS and buses emit exhaust that contains gases, chemicals and particulates that CAN IRRITATE the airways in ways that produce wheezing and coughing. Polluted air can trigger episodes in people with asthma. Smog, humidity and thunderstorms got you down? Dr. Berndtson explains, "Reports of asthma outbreaks following thunderstorms have been reported in various areas around the world. The best working hypothesis to explain this phenomenon is that seasonal timing and storm conditions must be just right for this to happen. If the dust or particulate content of the air is increased at the same time that grass or tree pollens are being released, pollen concentrations may increase ten- to twenty-fold over usual conditions. If storm airflows sweep these particles to ground level, people with asthma can react with severe wheezing and coughing."
Put on a few pounds? Believe it or not, this can impact asthma sufferers and those who previously had no symptoms. "Gaining even five pounds within a year can increase the risk of developing asthma or cause people with poorly controlled asthma to get worse. The steroid inhalers and oral steroid medications used to treat persistent asthma of both types can cause a small percentage of sufferers to gain weight as a side effect," explains Dr. Berndtson.
Scents
Whether it's PERFUME, COLOGNE, CLEANING SUPPLIES, new carpets or AIR FRESHENERS, ANY source of airborne scented chemicals can trigger asthma. Dr. Berndston notes, "While this is more likely to occur in people with inrinsic asthma, people with extrinsic asthma are sometimes susceptible to these triggers as well. As with various unscented sources of air pollution, scented airborne irritants are capable of triggering episodes in people with both forms of asthma."
Offices

Sure, you may feel "allergic" to the office at times, but physical work environments may pose multiple risks to asthma sufferers. Dr. Berndtson notes, "Your asthma flare may have been triggered by the morning commute on an ozone-alert day, the receptionist's perfume, the new carpet in the conference room or the memo that put you in charge of a high profile project with an impossible deadline."
Laughter!

Laughter is the best medicine, but for asthma sufferers, it could also be a main culprit contributing to the asthmatic condition. "Hard laughter can cause mild episodes in up to 50 percent of people with asthma. These episodes are more likely to include coughing, in addition to wheezing. Anything that produces hyperventilation can trigger an asthma flare-up in people with poorly controlled asthma," says Dr. Berndtson.
Work out!

Considering some people only get asthma when they exercise, imagine what happens when the exercise intensifies. "People who are non-asthmatic don't feel it at all, but the irritation appears to be due to breathing in cold, dry air. It dries out the airwaves and causes them to constrict." For instance, cross-country skiers will be more prone to asthma than those who surf.
Aspirin

Got a headache? Although aspirin will only bother a fraction of asthma sufferers, as a rule it's a word of caution to all asthmatics. "Some people appear to be much more sensitive than other people," notes Dr. Rosenstreich. "Aspirin makes the body produce a chemical that makes asthma worsen."
Nighttime

Dr. David Rosenstreich, director of the Division of Allergy and Immunology in the Department of Medicine at Montefiore Medical Center, indicates that many people are allergic to things like dust mites. "When they lie down they breathe in these things; it makes it worse. Plus, in general our airwaves tend to restrict at night."

***Well, wasnt that educational? It was for me! I thought I was imagining all these things and thought like others around me that I was just "over reacting."...lol. I am ALLERGIC TO THE WHOLE WORLD!! Someone call Michael Jackson and see if he still has that Oxygen Chamber? I might buy it and live there!!

I'm back.. and better than ever!!!

2008-11-23T04:55:00.001-08:00

HEY ALL! I have missed being on here and sending new blogs. i first of all would like to say that I am so glad to have remembered my password, because that was the biggest reason I haven't been on here..lol. 2nd, I have been really busy with the Civilized Natives and their ever fluctuating band member revolving door..lol. We have a new great drummer, named Mike, and he really plays well. I am excited because this will open doors for more gigs, and more gigs means more music and fun with friends, and more paychecks...thank God!! I have since dated a guy named Tim, and broke up with him because he was a sham artist, and I am now seeing this guy named Patrick. hes really a sweet guy and we have so much in common its "scarily comfortable." So far we haven't done anything to F it up, so so far, so good...lol. I have been spending more time with such great, spiritual and like-minded individuals like Mark, Patrick, Nick, and a brief few others in my life, and it has been really enriching and fulfilling to be seemingly back to normal again, and thank GOD that only took me to my 30's before i realized I needed change in my life. I have been through a lot since my epiphany just two years ago, when my life was totally turned around by the realization that I am an OK guy, and that's good enough for me. I have been truly blessed along the way, and to see so many of my friends going through similar things as we journey through life has just been a real eye opener after going through a lot of it myself!I will be posting more blogs here after this because i have admittedly been away too long, and have so much to say..lol Hope that those out there who read my crap will continue to fan the flames for me! Much love and I will be back here again soon with some more dirt!!!Love, ~Robert AKA GimNeye

Queer Eye for the Queer Guy!!

2008-11-23T03:23:00.000-08:00

OH MY GAWD! I soo had a religious experience at like 230am in the morning! I was watching TV, and you know those Queer Eye for the Straight Guy people? OH MAN! I was watching Kathy Griffin stand up, and she was talking about them, and how she paraded around with them and stuff and said she loves her fag boyfriends. Now, i started thinking "why doesn't anyone think of me that way? You know, throwing a little pity party (party of one, no alcoholic beverages please!), and I started really thinking you know?....I am a gay man, and I don't have a gay bone in my WHOLE BODY!!!
And OH MY GAWD , there's always the whole fat issue I could harp on til even Micky D's is like FOR GAWD SAKE! WE'RE SWITCHING TO VEGETABLE OIL!, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! But missing the fashion train is a whole other thing! Well you know what I mean. I talk about the cock; I'm not shy. I am even listening the this very gay techno version of Sweet Caroline...a Neil Diamond classic that was butchered for flaring asses on dance floors everywhere! So, I am gay yes, but I am talking more about my fashion sense.....I HAVE NONE! I am AS WE SPEAK, wearing black baggy huge ass shorts that I have to tie off with a belt to keep from looking like I am desperate, and wearing a CAMO colored T shirt! Now the lesbians would be totally in love if I just added an army hat and got a tattoo of Betty Page on my arm. I would have dates for decades! But does this sound like something a gay man would be caught dead in?
I was even thinking to myself...MAN they have the whole Queer Eye for the straight guy, where the hell is MY show? I need a fucking make over!!! I am having a fashion EMERGENCY! Somebody call the RODEO DRIVE 911!!! If I stood next to Versace's grave to take a tourist picture, he would dig HIMSELF up, and say BITCH PLEASE...NOT IN THAT OUTFIT! I mean, what to do, right? Why can't those hot boys make a show for me called Queer Eye for the Queer with NO eyes?..(grin)
I guess til someone helps me with my ass and my vision, I will just be sitting here in slippers, curlers, and camos eating hoho's and ding dongs...and i don't mean the fun one's. Meanwhile, your contribution would help. For just pennies a day, you too can save this queen from the brink of extinction. Please do it for the children! if not for them, then for their gay brothers vision. Please call today! 1-869-WAT-D'HELL.. A fag with no fashion sense is waiting for love from you!
(Disclaimer~This blog is not supported or endorsed by any of the above mentioned parties, unless they are on a mission from God to save me from sure fucking self-destruction.)

"The road well traveled by no one signifigant" by Robert Hammac

2008-11-23T03:16:00.000-08:00

(To avoid legal entanglements,certain names have been given new spelling or changed. This is a short story I wrote for Julie.)

I was traveling through the Forrest drunk on fish grease, when I came across a clefted foot midget,. After he cleaned himself off he asked me for 33 cents. I gave it to him reluctantly, and he told me he was lost. So I pointed him in the direction I was going and we went our separate ways. I used stilts to get through the AA meeting on the back of my grandmas trailer. She smelled like cabbage and she farted from her eyes the words GO HOME YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU'RE DRUNK!! I staggered out with her heart felt encouragement and when I got to the side of the highway, there was JERNIE!! They were stranded on the roadside and hadn't seen their bookie in years. They were heading to Uranus but they couldn't get the stains out. I got in and we started sailing to Dead Mans island where they have a really great disco/tiki lounge and a scary theme park ride for headless kids who had optic blisters. Julie, the manager, said that she was hosting Nik Diamund and the Smooth Toenz they said they needed the gig because they wanted to get treatment for understanding the addiction they had for clubbing baby seals and urinating on their fresh corpses. She also informed us that she was serving Nhyquille daquerries 2 for 1, so after we got liquored up on raid chasers, we decided to have a battle of the bands because after all I was with fucking JERNIE!! !!knurd ton era uoy neht, siht daer nac uoy If.
To get the lead singer, Steeve Peerie warmed up, Julie dragged him behind a truck for 10 miles, while he was standing on 2 skate boards that she had duck taped to his feet because she wanted him to landski. She was preparing him for her big Ester Williams number she was going to make him perform for her later at her place. She drove him to an office supply store where she painted a Hitler mustache on him and painted his eye lids with white out. She shoved a magic marker up his dick to keep him nice and hard, not for the groupies but for her for later, because he knew he was her personal bitch and he liked it. She brought him back in a leather mask and unzipped the mouth zipper so he could sing, then she made him blow her waiter and drink a gasoline jello shot because she was out of alcohol. We of course rocked the fucking walls down as Steeve Perrie started singing really high and shot cum from his throat and set the place on fire, everyone else died, so we won!The prize was a life time subscription for a resort that encourages fucking baby seals because its more environmentally kind. I opted out of course! Mykal Jaczon was in town, and I knew I could meet one of his fans and buy a donkey. I will never forget that Tuesday. The End.

I cant forget about Larry....

2007-12-03T12:58:00.000-08:00

For the first time in a long time, I find myself crying. Not for self pity, or self centered needs, but for my cousin, Larry. I have never met anyone who was such and under dog. Larry has been through it all, whether by choice or by fate, as some would call it. I love Larry, and I always have. He is someone stripped of a normal life, and rejected by those who were to love him. People can always say they love you, but it doesn't mean anything until you show it. Larry is the kind of guy that can see right through you, and had seen so much, that his eyes have died, and left behind a trace of the person he used to be.
What problems you may ask? well, let's start with the endless list of abusers that have entered his life ranging from his own father, to his current deceased step father, of whom I was related who himself was a victim of abuse at the hands of a father who was relentlessly evil in nature. Everyone in my family fell short by Larry. We like to think that his outrageous actions have nothing to do with us. We like to think that asking God to forgive us was enough.
But I know its not enough when I see him in my doorway, and hes asking me advice on whether he should turn himself into the police or whether he should get himself baker-acted because the prison system will not take care of his mental disorders and HIV.
I believe in cause and effect since I met Larry. We were all the cause, and Larry was the effect. People feel like the past is the past, and that if someone like Larry isn't able to move on, then its a personal problem, but we are all responsible for the person he is today. I am guilty. His immediate family is guilty. His extended family?...guilty.
The difference between our problems, and Larry's problems are that Larry's problems have always been in the light...out in front of us..in our faces. We are held accountable for our actions, and therefore must take some SHAME in the person he has become.
I told him today, no matter what he decides to do, to make sure they didn't break his spirit. His reply hurt me so deeply, that all i could do was hug him really tight, and fight back the tears that wanted to burst from my eyes. He said in a very quiet and helpless voice..."It's too late for that." I have never hurt so badly in so long. I'm crying now because I know that pain. I know what it feels like to feel hopeless and like there is no sense in it all. It's so difficult to type this because I am sobbing.
Larry is dead inside, no one in my family feels they are responsible, so someone has to cry for Larry. I love him more than he will ever know, and have always loved him, no matter how people have tried to tear us apart, and make our bond less than care and concern.
I admit freely that I have not been the best person to him, but he always over looked it. he saw me for what i was, no matter how pathetic and ridiculous that may have been at that time. We had our dark days, and we had our fun adventures, and he is my friend, no matter what treachery and darkness someone else placed on either me or him.
Larry just wants to be loved. Yet he needs REAL, GENUINE love. He made up his mind along time ago that no one loved him, so why should he care?? But I know he does deep down inside. And everyday, it kills him just a little bit more. I wouldn't doubt that everyone in the family feels they would profit from his demise because they don't like him anyways, and they always made him feel unwelcome, no matter how they may have made many weak attempts to care. From his refusal to be brainwashed by the churches of the material world, to his stand for self Independence, Larry has been through it all. He has slept in garbage dumpsters, he has dated people who abused him, and hurt him, and made him feel like less of a man. He has a family that treats him like shit, and all he ever wanted in return was some love. And could we even give him that "unconditionally?"...NO.
NO! A word that is 50% of Larry's vocabulary, because he's heard it all his life. People can think whatever they want about me after they read this, but I have always loved Larry. I have always admired his iconic stand as the underdog. The REAL humanity in all of us! Weakness, fear, paranoia, survival, loneliness, misunderstanding, rebellion, and his insatiable need to create his OWN world, free from Judgement, free from persecution, other than God, who is the only person that should have the right to Judge him at all, and his unwavering ability to be as invincible as steel, and as long lifted as the cock roach. When the end of time comes, there will be Cher, cock roaches, and LARRY.
SO all you assholes out there who thought he was going down?? Well, WORRY about your perfect world, worry at night why you cant sleep that well, worry about the silence of living a normal moot life style. Because one day, we're all going to have to answer for Larry, and we will have no answer. We will hide comfortably under our blanket of self0-righteous pulpit banging , and comfort ourselves with the fact that we asked God to forgive us, but what about Larry? Did anyone forgive him? Did he forgive anyone? Forgiveness works 2 ways, and no matter how much we may have asked for that forgiveness, we will never feel completely cleansed of all that we have done, because we never made it right WITH Larry, only with ourselves, and that my friends, falls a little more short of the meaning of forgiveness.
I forgave myself along time ago for over looking Larry as a person, and I have already asked him for his forgiveness for anything I have done. I feel comforted that not only does he forgive me, but he still loves me, even though he is nearly drained of any love in his heart at all.
It's true.. Larry loves pot, Larry loves girls, Larry loves perverse, foul, nasty language. He loves sex, he loves rock n roll, he loves thinking about things that other people can't even figure out. Larry is intelligent, yet youthful in his follies. He's outspoken, and a hell raiser. he's tried many things from special schools to the military, but they were not entertaining enough for someone who was one step ahead of the world around him. he loves intellectual anonymity yet to find many who could give him a worthy debate of wisdom. Yet, with all his intellect, he is lost in a sea of uncertainty.
I love you, Larry. You always understood me whether it was my Dark side, or who I am today. Thank you for giving me so much of the love you don't have much more of. Thank you for not putting me in the category of others who have forgotten you, even though I fell just as short. And even if you never read this, I know somehow, someday, you will know it, if you don't already.

The Things I left out....

2007-11-24T17:02:00.001-08:00

I've been avoiding this for some time, but the time has caught up to me. For those of you who will not be really interested in what I have to say, you can feel free to go away now if you like or hang out here and listen to a guy ramble. A few months back, I sent my my space link to friends I knew. I felt a great little pride in creating something that was all my own, and wanted to share it with others. There was really one response that stood out more than others.
My friend Ralph emailed me back and said it was cool looking, but that he was worried about me. He said "there's isn't really anything about you on there." The my inner monologue said "Really?"..lol. I felt like he was right, but only half right. The things I have on this page are the things I like and the things that make me laugh or feel some emotion about something at some time or another, in my life. Maybe I should have revealed more to my friend about the kind of guy i am inside, but at the same time, I feel like he was right. There IS something missing from this page.
I am a man tormented by the demons of my past. I was at times a very flirtatious person; at other times a very damaged person. I can be a very fragile and very emotional person, but hold it in deep down inside so that in most cases, you would never know I was ready to spit on you or spray paint your car. I have Attention Deficit Disorder; a fact well documented, but hardly brought up. If I forget your birthday, believe me, it's not on purpose. I just have a disorder that makes me into an asshole.
A lot of times I can be lazy and I think for myself only when it benefits me in the privacy of my home, but out in public I have a funny side. I can be very generous and attentive. I often refer to myself as every one's personal shrink. I can feel very helpless, alone and self-destructive at the same time.
I am also ADHD. I have a tendency to be drawn to the more addictive side of life. I can be addicted to sex, or alcohol, but I can never see myself as a coke-head or a meth head or a heroine junkie because the thought of snorting ANYTHING up my nose has diverted me from that for years, and I am completely phobic about needles. Even smoking is out for me because I went through a few smoke inhalation moments in my life, and don't really fancy the idea of breathing in smoke, although there were times I had done it when i was feeling mischievous, just so i can say I lived a little. I usually tend to stick to the easy stuff, like sex, alcohol, or food. I label food, sex, and alcohol"The silent addictions."
My friend Ralph was never exposed to that very much for two reasons. 1. I never thought he was that interested because he's a very head strong, very serious kind of guy, and like us all, lives in his own world and views it a certain way. 2. We haven't really "hung out" together without our friends around for several years, so I don't expect him to know the real me completely, because like season's, people change a lot. He sees me and my family as the same ole people, but they're not. It's funny that when I hang out with him in the brief times we have together, I revert right back to being the same guy he knew before for him, and for me, which doesn't really help him see me for who I really am.
My family has changed. We have lost precious loved one's who played HUGE roles in our lives in the years that he and others knew us well. We have seen the worst of financial situations these past 5 years, and we have gotten closer as a unit. it's funny how people can remember you a certain way, but we all never realize just how different we really are after just a few years. As for my friend, I can only say this. I am sorry we have drifted apart for so long. You have your world, and I have mine. Hopefully, we will meet one day as Old friends, yet new people. For where I used to be sad and depressed, time has made me better, stronger, and more able to roll with the punches. I can only hope the same for my good friend in their lifetime.

Sick world, get well soon

2007-11-24T16:58:00.000-08:00

OK, this is a very OUTSPOKEN blog today, so if you dont like strong language and attitude, you may not want to read this one! ...lol. I am so f**king sick of shallow ass peoples and self-righteous people. Sometimes, I just get my fill...as much as I can handle...of people who are at the shallow end of the gene pool. It makes me feel bad too when I get so irritated at them, that it brings me down to their level to even have to waste my steam on them, and it also makes me feel bad that they're allowed to breed. Thank GOD that blogs can be some pretty good therapy. I am sick to death of people NOT taking responsibility for their actions, and pretending and believing that everything that happens to them is "by chance." Nothing happens by chance, nothing happens without our direct influence in it. Common mistakes and careless accidents are not included in the rant because everyone is capable of making mistakes. After all, we are all human. EVEN I am held accountable for everything that I have done and will do, so what the hell makes other people think they're so special that they should be put on a pedal stool? NO ONE is "ALL THAT."
People who whine and cry, piss and moan and pitch a fit until they get their way will never have any self respect and they will never understand love or the human race for that matter. Being jaded is a choice. Not getting it is a choice. We choose to become comfortably numb. We choose to ignore other people to get ahead and to step on the little guy. We choose to do whatever it takes to get what we want, regardless of if it hurts someone. It is not "The way you are." It is the way you have CHOSEN. Anyone can change. Anyone can choose to be the angel in someone's life, or they can choose to be the miserable a**hole that brings un-needed grief to everything someone does.
Now if you're intelligent, you know that I realize we all have our weak moments and our bad days, and we slip up, and do and say things that are not kosher or offend others, but the intelligent people also know that we as adults know that we have the responsibility to apologize for our actions IF they're wrong. SURE life throws some tomatoes and sometimes we go down for the count. What matters? NOT GIVING UP! Standing up! Making NOISE! Letting the world know you are HERE. you are ALIVE ..you are BREATHING. People always have that question inside of "What is the meaning of life?".. "Why am I here?".."What's the point to it all?" The point is that you're supposed to F**cking SURVIVE! that's the POINT!
You're not supposed to just give up like some whipped pussy and run for the nearest rock. People die, shit happens..and if you're reading this, Plenty of shit has probably happened to you, but you're obviously not DEAD, or you wouldn't be reading it. SO, either you KNOW the secret to life, and you live by the code of accept NO drama, or you're reading this and thinking I'm a real ***hole and that this blog "offends" you, and that might possibly be because you fit into one of the following categories: Jaded, overly prudent, self centered, uppity, self righteous, gold digging, a person who feels the need to debate and fight over everything if it does not suit them, overly insecure, over opinionated yet wrong, depressed and shouldn't be reading something like this until you're in a better frame of mind to make a balanced opinion, or a real king Kong MEGA BITCH....which if you are, this one's for you for SURE.
My rant is to the people out there that wear blindfolds on the road of life. If you get hit, its no wonder, and by wearing one, you are causing all the wrecks in your life and everyone elses. WAKE UP and take responsibility. Your jobs NOT going to save you. Your money is NOT going to save you. Your narcissism, materialism, and snobbishness is NOT GOING TO SAVE YOU. To a world that is ill with the disease of selfishness..GET WELL SOON! ~Rob

the Cocoon...

2007-11-21T06:18:00.001-08:00

First of all, I want to say to everyone reading ..HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

I am ever changing. I love this aspect of life. I woke up today feeling energized and provoked by all that is good and going on. I worked out, and I got online to check my mail, and send everyone a comment. I had some time alone here at home with no distractions. Sometimes, it's the little things that means a lot when you are struggling towards some level of normality.
I had a long talk with my friend in New York this week, and he reminded me of what was important again. He's my own personal Guru. He's the best! When others will only be self-interested, he's very observant and not afraid to express his opinion if you ask him for any kind of advice. Some people seem like they don't believe me, or they're not so interested in what I have to say, They feel like I don't really say much because i always talk about the same things with them, and that's really okay. The irony in that is that I only repeat myself because they choose not to go into in-depth details about their life, and they only really repeat the same thing too so why should I give them anymore then I am getting? In fact, there were times when I DID give more, and just got the same ole crap in return.
I feel like I have to go to every ones blog to see whats really going on in their lives, and sometimes, their words are even shrouded in mystery there, so who really knows what the hell is going on??? And I have been finding myself more and more, recently, and I feel like I am much more mentally healthy then I was just a year ago. its so easy to get caught up in the latest trends, the latest diet, the latest music and feel like if you don't have a grasp to it, you are being left behind..in fact, that is the view of most people who focus on that type of stuff. That is where my friend came in.
He really reminded me about materialism, and that no matter how much weight I lose, I could lose myself, and I would never be happy, even if I was the size of a twig! As long as I see life in a outer beauty view, I will never be happy. Being happy is whats on the inside. Its about how beautiful you are in there. Some days my insides look like FREDDY KRUGER!! He even told me how to change that. And that when someone gives me a complement, that not only am I insulting myself by having a negative rebuttal, I am rejecting their complements that they have giving freely to me, that they didn't have to waste their time with in the first place, so that's something I am working on as well.
Today is a WONDERFUL day! I feel much better! No, I'm not perfect, but no one really ever is, and the day they think they are is when they have become the master of fooling themselves! I'm glad I am growing and ever changing. I am in a cocoon, yet this butterfly will never hatch externally. It will hatch internally, spreading joy and positivity throughout my body, changing the way I think forever...and that's when people will see the butterfly. Its beauty will overtake me, and I will not become beautiful, but My LIFE instead, will be beautiful. I hope that this finds you, and makes you feel good about yourself too when you find some truth in it!
Thank you for reading and have a really incredible holiday! And those who don't celebrate thanksgiving?...well, I thank you anyways for reading my blog, and that in itself, is a thanksgiving!

Til next time! ~Rob

My friend Mark

2007-11-15T11:36:00.000-08:00

Mark Miller Rocks. He's my good friend. We have a lot of laughs about a great many things. Mark is crazy like me, and then some. Mark is an excellent musician. Mark reads my blogs, and tolerates my phone calls at some of the most inconvenient times for him. Mark is always kind enough to help someone truly in need, and always has something interesting to say... especially if you're listening close enough. he's a great song writier, a great story writer, and he can play just about anything. Mark is my friend. I am lucky.

Universal understanding of love.

2007-11-13T05:29:00.000-08:00

Love is so simple.

We make it harder than it is. Everything is connected to love. Even the smallest deviation from the simple understanding of love can cause pain. Keeping our eye on the prize is a sure way to feel love. I have had many stuggles with my insecurities, my life, and the people that came and went through it. I used to feel so much attachment and regret to all the things that went wrong. It made me question myself, even though I knew God. many tears, many times I prayed alloud for God to take me because the pain for me was too much to digest. It drove me into a dark time, whjere I was outside...suspicious and alone. I was lost in mental anguish and self torment. I got over weight, gray before my time, and felt rejected by everything I knew. It effected me on such a massaive scale that I would spend hours alone, crying. believing it was my lot in life. That love will never find me.
It took a signifigant experiance to happen to me to open my eyes...in a BAR of all places..(showing Gods true sense of humanity)..that God sent me a messenger of the most unlikely kind. After that simple experiance, the answer came to me through the next few weeks. It changed the way I saw myself, the way i saw the universe, it changed me so dramatically with in 3 months, that i cant believe i was ever the person I was before. The answer to the question of what is universal love? How can we continue to be loved after all that we have commited and suffered in vain.
The bible is an age old text that offers many remedies to the soul, but sometimes, you need to hear it from a person for it to sink in. It's not that we dont have faith in God, its more so that we dont have faith in ourselves. Love understanding comes like an alighnment of the planets...It comes rarely, and when it does, you never forget it. I never believed before that sometime so simple could change the way i see love forever. he saw my pain, he saw that i had only one desire in my heart, to be loved to have love, to give love, but I was crippled by time, and unable to see clearly anymore. It was his gift to me.
He promised me nothing in that moment, but gave me everything. I dont know why I am writing about this, all I can say this. I am delivering a message. I dont know what part of it is the answer for you, or even if there was a question, all i know is I was compelled to come here and comment. Some people, no matter how twisted and human we are...know the answer more than others. I hold no affiliation with any church. I hold no title as a Christian, other than child of God, nor do i desire any of these things. The understanding is not my own. All I know, is whether I am single, or whether I am in a relationship, I have found peace. peace so to the point I feel NO NEED to chase someone. No need to have a lover delivered to me. if I have a special person, I don't know, nor do i care, because I have been giving a gift, and it is more valuable than any relationship I can attain on this planet. I wish I could share it with you. I come to you as a kindred spirit and I want to comfort you with the knowledge that if there is someone out there, you need look no further than ur house and neighborhood. You have already found many of them. They are all around you. Friends, family, eveyone. regardless of race, religion, orientation, intelligence...they are around you. To hold the smallest grain of resistance to love is to misunderstand it completely. We cannot serve two masters, yet we cannot split love down the middle as if we were throwing out the parts we dont like to suit the Guardians of the older generation. We must water our spiritual garden with ever growing and expanding wisdom, and the awesome part of that is that wisdom, like us, grows and expands, so the more we learn the more there will always be to learn. This is good in the sense that if we want to, we never have to feel old because there will always be room for being a student of the cosmos! xoxo

There are things you should never tell your Boyfriend

2007-11-12T13:05:00.000-08:00

HORSE SHIT! ....not unless you're just fucking them because you're shallow as hell! If you love someone. They are your COMPANION. They are your BEST FRIEND above ALL others. They tell you secrets they would never tell their friends. People have this belief that friends are the most important thing in your life, but there is a BIG ASS DIFFERENCE between Fellowship, and having a leach attached to your ass telling you how you should run your life with your spouse. Or someone trying to weasel their way in between two people so that they can benefit from their own plots and schemes to come between two people who care for each other. I believe someone who would make a statement like There are things you don't tell your bf are devious, shallow, materialistic and not worth the time you put into caring about them. If someone hands you some shit like this..beat their ass philosophically and make them look like chump ass bitches. The first rule of REAL LOVE is TRUST. If you can't trust the person you're having sex with. (exchanging germs)..then you are basically FUCKED...in every since of the word. People accept this comfortable attitude today of "There are things you never tell your boyfriend". This shit is for the birds. This is one reason why divorce rates are the highest ever among reasons why people separate, next to "differences". If you can't trust the person you are sharing your life with, then YOU ARE DATING THE WRONG PERSON!

MY FIRST BLOG!!

2007-11-12T11:41:00.000-08:00

Well, since This is my first blog, I will tell a lil about myself! So, here we go!..lol. Hi! I am Robert. CHEERS! It feels good to be back to sanity...whatever that is. I have finally reached a point where I have peace and comfort with who I am, no matter how much that tends to resemble someone on drugs....lol. I am very gregarious in nature, as I tend to find things in others that I see in myself, yet wonder why and how they got in me and if its easy to have them surgically removed. I also try to see the world through each individuals eyes to understand what they are seeing of themselves. I love to have fun and hang out and party with my peers, who are a loving group of individuals that sometimes seem like they are. I am friendly but I do have my pressure points, just pick, squeeze, and I will whistle like a chew toy. When i think of myself, I think of a survivor..someone who has rough edges from the bite of life, the kick in the butt from reality, and is still not bitter about it. I am not a flammer, and I have nothing against flammers. I am not a saint, but I am not a evil person. I am as predictable as the wind, and just as easy to understand. I am not obsessed with the latest trends or with the 50% discount at McDooglez. A good shower and a comb go along way. I have a weird sense of humor, and I dont mind using it at gun fights. If you mind, I dont want to know about it, because I am too busy trying to have fun! If you are stuck in the clouds, I will pull you out, and say "Hey, how did you get up there?"...if you are in the darkness I will take ur hand and and stitch it back on, but if ur bringing stormy weather my way then, keep those clouds rolling by because i like yogurt. People come and go, but DiAmOnDs ArE 4 EvEr!..cheesy huh? I am currently playing in a rock band locally, and we have pretty good music, if you like the beatles, and music like that! the site is: www.myspace.com/civilizednatives4ever and then theres my personal page if you want to see it: www.myspace.com/gimneye and last but not least, my SAVE THE EARTH PAGE called: Green Planet at: www.myspace.com/greenplanet4ever Hope you enjoy viewing them, and if you have a page on myspace, dont feel afraid to drop by, add me up, and lets chat! XOXO to all my new friends who will read this! Leave me some love and i'll do the same! ~Rob